Wild

At times I can’t find words.

I can’t find color, only desolate hues of black and blues.

Sometimes time travels quicker than I am comfortable with.

There are days where I feel trapped in a cycle of missing those who have left and longing for those I have pushed away.

This whole being human thing is hard, really hard.

I think there is a part of me that is overly fascinated with the idea of love, and at the same time, is dreadfully afraid of it.

The only side of love I have seen is the side that shows its  teeth and leaves nothing but pain in its path.

It is the side of love that closes doors and leaves tears on cotton cloth.

It doesn’t keep me from wanting it, or really from running at it at full speed and recklessly jumping into its arms…

I do not know where to go after the shininess fades away because everyone has left me after discovering I’m not the girl they have made me out to be.

I question if anyone has ever fallen in love with me and not just my shadow.

It hurts.

I struggle with self worth more than I care to admit.

I’m tired of becoming a shell of a person. I don’t want to abandon the parts of me that I adore.

I don’t want to retreat into someone else, I want to boldy be me.

I have found safety in distance.

My past two relationships have had miles in common and gave me the safety of escape.

Escaping to them, escaping from my life, escaping from them and eventually escaping the breakup.

Because I knew that’s where it would end.

Sometimes I get really afraid of being alone, like really alone.

Like 90-year-old-dog-lady alone.

And then I realize none of this shit really matters as long as I can wake up and look at myself and know that I am damn proud of the woman I am.

Sometimes I cuss, I don’t always wake up pretty, I can be moody and overly sensitive.

But I’m also one of the strongest most caring people I know, I am creative and brave and I don’t plan on giving any one of these things up for a person who is not prepared to love my ugly side.

I’m still afraid of love and all that comes on its heels, but I am learning that time heals all and that eventually I will find a person who won’t want to run away from me. If there is one thing I have learned this year it is this:

You can’t expect someone to love you if you do not first love yourself and if they still don’t love you… you will always have your dog.