Selah

Selah.

Pause, full stop.

Rest.

I am caught in the crosshairs of two entirely different halves that co-exist symbiotically within me.

I am comfortable with leaving

I have had nearly 23 years of practice when it comes to the perfect exit.

To new beginnings.

To settling in, but not too much, just enough to give the appearance that I am no longer a flight risk.

This is not the person I am when I am in a relationship.

I stick, like that awful super-glue you always manage to smear all over your palms. I do not let go easily, although I tell myself the opposite.

I relinquish all of my individual plans and instead present safe plans that another person can easily slip into that no longer include one-way tickets.

I say all of the right things.

I paint the perfect picture of how happy we could be, all the while the other half of me is fighting for air.

I recently went through a good breakup, if there ever was such a thing.

It was amiable, but it was not mutual.

It was a short and beautiful relationship so why is the ‘being broken up’ part so damn hard to accept.

It’s not him. Yes, he is a wonderful person who I did/do care deeply for, but it’s the feeling of being pushed away that has left me reeling.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

I know that I need to be alone, but I don’t know how to be alone without running away from the life I am now living.

I need to rebuild that individual five year plan, but I don’t need to buy any more one-way tickets.

I need to learn how to stay, on my own.

For myself.

I am pressing into the winter season with everything left in me. I am trying to find the stillness that my ice-caked windshield found this morning.

Selah meet me in the night and speak gently to my heart. Do you hear that? It is the stillness of a winter night. Draw near to me and I will fill you with My peace.