Mixed Emotions

Holidays are tough.

I find myself wallowing in a pool of depression every time the autumn leaves take their final flight beneath their bare branches.

This season has been especially tough this year.

This was not the December I had envisioned.

I was single for another batch of holidays as I celebrated engagement after engagement on, the ever growing highlight reel, Facebook.

Not to mention I was alone on Christmas day, waist deep in self-pity.

I found myself crying into a pillow and listening to the saddest songs I could que up on Spotify and then I hit pause.

I got out of bed and looked in the mirror.

This is not the person I want to be.

The thick blanket of snow that has recently  fallen over Kansas City has reminded me of the stillness that winter brings. The silence brings room for rest and reflection. It allows us to slow down time.

It has taught me to listen to the snowflakes as they form along the windowsill. So often I think of winter as a barren season depleted of growth or beauty, but look closer.

Do you see that?

That is something beautiful rising to the surface.

In the harsh winter months the bare barked trees are regaining their strength for the colors that we hungrily await in spring.

In January and February, kale, cabbage and carrots are at their strongest.

Even the birds that stay behind, choosing home over migration seem to be echoing the words the Lord has been speaking to me.

The one’s who can endure the winter are rewarded with spring. It is not something we can take, it is a gift that can only be given.

Ultimately the choice is ours. We can choose to lock horns with sorrow or we can raise our eyes to the sky, or even the roots beneath our feet and hear the Father’s song. It doesn’t meant the pain is going to stop, but it does mean we don’t have to walk it on our own.

“I am making something beautiful out of this death. Don’t you see that I am allowing your roots to grow deeper and your heart to beat stronger? Don’t you know that you are stronger now than you will ever be.”

-Abba Father