Leaving the Light On
At times I feel like I am waking up in the same part of a nightmare, again and again.
Last January I found myself thumbing through photos of a life that I had built with someone that did not choose me- I was swaddled in the love that I was sharing with a new soul and it made the pain subside. It is easy to think that you have fully grieved a situation and healed from it, when in fact, neither thing is true.
Today, I sit in a different chair, at a different table in a home that just two days ago I shared with my partner. I am sitting with my macbook open with two rolls of film recently uploaded and edited of a love that has shifted.
I know I am not a perfect partner. I carry a lot of wounds, some healed, some wide open. I am afraid of being abandoned, so I love in a way that smothers those I love the most. I am afraid of being alone so I have a tendency of folding into whoever I am with. I can be a bit too sensitive. To love; it requires entering into something that you have little control over it hurting you or healing you. And even in the pain, it can still heal us.
I do love myself fully. I have worked hard to be okay seeing all of me, accepting it and loving it, but loving yourself and walking that love out are two different things.
I remember reflecting back on past relationships and seeing all of the signs that I was not walking out that self love. I stopped taking photos, I stopped writing, I stopped painting and I stopped experiencing the God shaped joy that resided within me. Instead of embracing myself in totality I went into full care mode, for another.
I truly believed that this would be it, but something changed and that is okay too.
I do not have any intentions of running away from the process. I am feeling all of it. They tell you that when it is over- it is over, don’t look back, which I understand but maybe that is not always a healthy choice.
This afternoon, as I folded his clothes and compiled his things, I felt a new side of myself. A softer side. I have become soft and I thank myself for that/ I thank God for that/ I thank my ex partner for that/ I thank my counselor for that/ I thank my community for that. I am going to be okay. I have a beautiful life ahead of me and I will not stop embracing life with an open heart even if it means that I wind up here again. Love is always worth it; even when it feels like it is breaking us.
I don’t regret trying again.
I don’t regret leaving the light on,
but now it is time to turn my own light back on.