Chosen

I have been almost chosen so many times.

I look back to my first real relationship.

To a man who provided stability in my life, who gave me hope and who talked about “one day.”

He is now someone else’s husband.

He is now someone’s father.

He didn’t choose me.

Sometimes I feel like Katherine Heigl’s character in 27 Dresses, except minus all of the wedding invitations and all of the dresses.

So basically I feel un-chosen and alone.

I am in my early twenties.

My sixteen-year old self would have advised me not to be in a relationship, to find contentedness in my season of singleness (no matter how long it may drag on for) but what does she know?

The reality of being a part of “the church” is that 90% of my friends are married.

They all have beautiful stories of meeting their spouses, some are twister than others, but they all have one thing in common: both parties made the decision to choose one-another.

Part of me is thankful that I haven’t been chosen yet, because now that I look back on my list of sad breakups I know that I wouldn’t have wanted the life I would have had if they had chosen me.

If I didn’t have this list I probably wouldn’t feel as anxious as I am about relationships…

It’s like this stupid cloud just follows me around and reminds me of every single instance that I wasn’t chosen.

HEY CLOUD; move on.

I have this beautiful spirit that has not stopped believing in magic.

I have held onto the notion that love does exist, that I am deserving of it and that one day I will be chosen.

I met a guy recently that really changed my perception of what I wanted.

We all have these stupid lists of things we want in a mate.

Mine was pretty meticulous and he wasn’t on the list.

His confidence and his heart allowed me to see past my past.  I felt comfortable in my own skin around him and all of my anxieties, and my need to make people like me, fell away.

He listened to me and made me feel intelligent, creative and beautiful.

He became my list.

To be frank, I was not interested in a fling. Nor did I actually want to feel anything for anyone. I was happy being guarded. I was content with singleness.

For two short weeks, I stopped being afraid of the idea of being loved one day.

And then he made a choice.

And it wasn’t me.

And that’s okay.

Because he taught me a very important lesson.

“I guess it comes down to personal interpretations. Experiences are haunting…But I’m still a strong believer that past experiences shouldn’t bring guards, but instead knowledge of how to deal with situations and essentially understand connections.”

I still don’t know what I want.

I am still learning to stop letting my past control my present.

But, every day I feel a little bit more comfortable with the reality that I was already chosen by my Savior.

I’m no longer guarding my heart. I’m looking forward to being pursued, instead of fearing it. And for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m going to mess anything up by letting someone see the real me.

I’ve learned that the best version of me is me. Not the girl who bends and fits into someone’s dream girl.

I am thankful for all of the times that I wasn’t chosen.

Because just like that list of things I thought that I wanted, I am realizing that I had a lot of things wrong.

Here’s my list:

Someone who will continue to choose me each day.

Someone who isn’t afraid of how passionately I love.

Someone that isn’t intimidated by my dreams or afraid that they will lose me if they let me chase after the wind.

That’s it.

I’m not too concerned with the 6′ and above rule or the dark hair rule, because let’s be honest those boys are almost always a heartbreak waiting to happen.