Aftermath of Paradise

We gazed in wonder at the changing landscape from Missouri to Kansas to Colorado. As the mountains began rising from the chalky dry earth, so did our hopes. Our time in Colorado was filled with deep joy; echoes of I love yous to one another and to the world around us, forehead kisses and smelly feet. I regained my stoke for rock climbing, had aching calves from miles hiked and a very sun kissed forehead and cheeks most of the time. We met beautiful deeply loving individuals who made our time even more meaningful.

It was not only the state itself- but simply being away from things we 'have to do' and bills we have to pay that brought about a layer of transparency to my busy mental process. The time helped in distilling my thoughts, emotions, fears and dreams. I found space to dream and journal... I even started drawing again and instead of finding it to be a frustrating task- I enjoyed it.  I drove home with my head in the clouds, giddy at the thought of being home- the new apartment that we would soon be moving into and a new found confidence in my art.

We've all heard the expression 'when it rains it storms' right?

Five minutes after we woke up after coming home the calls and e-mails started pouring in. After spending two idyllic weeks in Colorado, we came home to a massive wall of stress and financial concern. Unexpected bill after unexpected bill after all of those expected bills started stacking up. Typically, it's okay. I make exactly enough money to cover my monthly bills and that's about it, however, somehow I had neglected to remember to ask for PTO and was now two weeks short on funds. This whole not using my credit cards thing is not easy.

Suddenly our new and shiny apartment seemed more like a box of demons that had escaped the train ride to hell rather than something we were both longing for. The worst part about debt is it has a way of crawling under your skin and it affects each and everything you see, do and say.

I became a monster.

I've always felt like a burden. To my family, my partners and my friends I feel like something that is simply in the way; taking up too much space. I have always been an independent and prideful person. I do not like asking for help or admitting that I don't have it all (or anything) figured out. And yet here I am... in a season in which I can't do everything on my own and having to deal with that makes all of my insecurities flare up and leave me gasping for air, crying and taking it all out on Connor. Great.

To say that we had a hard week would be an understatement. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Pushed about what? Absolutely nothing. Somehow, as hard as it is to explain, being in this place of dependency makes me want more affirmation in the form of words and touch. I did not see that the person I love most was falling a part right in front of me. 

I don't have a solution to my wall of debt and bills. Nor do I have any reassurance that I won't fall into this trap again, but what I do know is- as soon as I stopped worrying about it money started coming in and each of those bills was paid- even yesterday when I found out my transmission is failing in my car I remembered that over priced warranty I purchased... and guess what? Turns out it was a good investment. I'm covered. God's got all of it. The little and the big... all I have to do is remain positive (which is easier said than done), keep loving myself and continue to work hard and dream.

What this week reminded me of is that Connor loves me- all of me, even when I'm a big co-dependent cry baby he chooses me. I'm doing a lot better with fear and trust but that doesn't mean I wont makes the same choice to give into fear and mistrust. Each day is a new day and you can't bring up yesterday anymore. So here is to getting out of debt, loving harder than ever before and staying positive even when I want to throw a pity party for one. 


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